


I'll Never Be Her

by Zirijava



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, F/M, Fluff, M/M, POV First Person, Trans Fic by a Trans Author, Trans Male Character, trans! keith
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-11
Updated: 2017-07-11
Packaged: 2018-11-30 21:55:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,202
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11472450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zirijava/pseuds/Zirijava
Summary: Kat’s life is amazing. She has wonderful friends, an equally wonderful, but albeit weird, boyfriend Lance and a scholarship to the college of her dreams! But what would Lance say when Kat tells him that his girlfriend is a trans boy?Or, Kat realizes she’s maybe a boy and suddenly everything he built up comes crashing down. Will his boyfriend be okay with having a boyfriend? Kat doesn’t know yet.A Trans!Keith fanfic by a trans guy.





	I'll Never Be Her

**Author's Note:**

> (A/N) so this was basically my way of dealing with the realization that I’m a trans boy. Hope you enjoy!

 

 ******I’ll Never Be Her**

 

Everything in my life was _great_. Everything! Me and my friends had graduated from High School just some days ago and now summer was here. My friends, Hunk and Pidge, had gotten accepted at Georgia Institute of Technology and our whole squad were meeting later to celebrate. We had planned to have a campfire by the beach, totally Lance’s idea.

 

Speaking of Lance, he decided to take a year off of school in order to work and save money to go to College next year. I knew that was only half of it and that the other half had to do with his family. He has the biggest heart I know and a big part of it is reserved for his family and, to be honest, I don’t know how he’d cope being away from them for too long.

 

As I was saying, everything in my life was amazing. I had gotten into an Aviation program some hours north of the small town Altea in the far south of Louisiana where me and my friends currently lived. Altea wasn’t anything spectacular, really. It had some patches of houses here and there and a small forest. And a beach. Lance would hate me if I forgot the beach.

 

But there’s something else I’m scared he’d hate me for, too. Which is really fucking silly! Because Lance is kind and he does everything wholeheartedly and he loves with every ounce of his being.

 

So why am I scared?

 

It’s not that I’m scared he’ll _hate_ me, per se, more like I’m scared he’ll no longer find me attractive or love me the way he does now. I’m scared that if I tell him the truth we’ll just go back to being friends, and quite honestly… I’m not sure how I’d feel about that.

 

”Babe, what’s up?” My eyes flickered to the bathroom mirror I stood in front of, one hand holding mascara up to my eyelashes while Lance suddenly appeared behind me. Our eyes locked through the mirror.

 

”Getting ready”, I answered before going back to what I was doing. I blinked a couple of times after the mascara was applied and then I felt his hand on my shoulder. I turned to him with an inquisitive gaze. Lance stared at me with a small smile, almost shy, as he took in my appearance. ”What?” I asked quietly in an almost whisper.

 

Lance visibly swallowed before meeting my eyes, smile now shy and cheeks pink. ”You’re beautiful”, he said.

 

I snorted, shaking my head and looked back at the mirror. ”You’re such a sap”, I teased with a smirk.

 

”Yes I am”, Lance said proudly. ”And you love me for it.”

 

I turned my body to look at him, leaning back a little to let my eyes move from his short, messy brown hair, down his broad shoulders and skinny waist until I looked at his feet, one with a blue sock and the other with a red one. I rolled my eyes at them before looking into his blue eyes again. ”Yeah, I do.”

 

Lance grinned at me before leaning forward just a little bit, daring me or letting me lean in the rest of the way as if giving me the chance to accept or decline. He’s always been gentle with me, never pushing me into doing something he wasn’t sure whether or not I wanted to do. He was always waiting for me to take the first step, to initiate things or to meet him halfway, if I wanted to.

 

He dragged his hands from my neck and up my scalp, pushing just a little bit as we deepened the kiss. I’m not sure how long we stood there, or how I suddenly stood pressed against the bathroom door. When had it closed? I didn’t know and I didn’t care. All that mattered was the warmth that was pressed flush against me, the hands in my hair, the lips on my lips and the tongue in my mouth.

 

One second later and it was all gone.

 

The door that had supported our weights was suddenly gone as I fell backwards against the floor, my eyes widening at the feeling of falling, locking onto Lance’s eyes that stared back at me.

 

Before either of us knew it, we laid on the floor, Lance on top of me, our legs in a tangle.

 

”Uh”, came a voice from above us and I squeezed my eyes shut as fast as I could, my lips a tight line. I felt Lance tensing above me. ”What the hell where you two doing?” my brother, Shiro, asked before quickly adding, ”No, I don’t wanna know.” I could hear how he was walking away from us. ”I’ll just take the other bathroom”, he muttered.

 

I felt Lance press his face against my shoulder, his whole body getting warmer by the minute and I could swear I heard him say, ”Kill me now.” I rolled my eyes, trying to shove him off of me. I snorted as he hasted to stand up. ”You okay?” he asked.

 

I nodded before standing up. ”We should leave soon”, I said. ”And I’m not really finished yet.”

 

Lance smiled at me before saying, ”If you’re talking about that makeup and stuff, then you know you don’t need it.” He pushed a strand of hair behind my ear, following the motion with his eyes. ”You’re already perfect.” It was barely audible. It was barely more than a breath, a meeting of our eyes. But I had heard it, and it had made my heart ache and I fought my instinct to look away to not make him worry. To not make him notice that I wasn’t okay. To not make him see through my disguise.

 

”Okay”, I said and smiled at him before pressing a light kiss to his cheek. ”Just give me a minute.” I walked back into the bathroom, closing and locking the door behind me. I placed one palm on each side of the mirror, glaring at my own eyes as if the reflection of a girl was a stranger.

 

The reflection of a girl that was nothing more than an illusion.

 

The reflection of a girl that turned out to be a phase.

 

The reflection of the girl that Lance loved and needed more than anything.

 

And I’ll never be her.

 

* * *

 

Ten minutes later and Lance and I stood in the hallway, putting on our shoes. Occasionally shoving at each other playfully, the way we always seemed to and it was a nice distraction from the conversation I knew that we had to have someday.

 

Tomorrow.

 

Next week?

 

Next Month?

 

I didn’t know.

 

”Hey, Kat?” said Shiro, his arms crossed as he came to stand by the doorway faceing us. ”Can I talk to you for a second.”

 

I raised an eyebrow in question before turning to look at Lance, he was already looking at me.

 

”I’ll wait by the bike”, he said, opened the door and left.

 

”What is it?” I asked, turning back to frown at my brother.

 

”Does he know?” Shiro looked at me gently, his expression kind. I looked away. ” _Kat_ ”, he said with That Voice™. The voice that makes your gut clench and makes you feel like you did something wrong, and in this case, I had.

 

”No”, I hissed, meeting his eyes only to find sympathy there. ”I _can’t_ , Shiro.”

 

”Why not? He loves you, Kat.”

 

” _Exactly_! He loves _Kat_ , the girl but that’s not _me_.”

 

Shiro sighed, closing his eyes. ”I don’t see the difference.”

 

”That’s because you’re my _brother_. Lance is my boyfriend, how do you think he’d feel if I tell him I’m not his pretty girlfriend?”

 

”I think he’s not going to care. He loves you for who you are. Boy, girl”, he said and shrugged.

 

I pinched the bridge of my nose. ”He’s straight, Shiro”, I sighed. ”He’s attracted to girls.”

 

”Has he told you that?”

 

I stared at him. ”What are you talking about?”

 

Shiro smiled at me. ”Has Lance told you that he’s straight? That he’s only attracted to girls.”

 

”Well, no but–”

 

”No, buts”, he said and raised a hand to quiet me. ”You need to tell him, for the both of you.” Before I had the chance to respond, Shiro had turned and walked away saying, ”Don’t stay out _too_ late.”

 

I smiled a little bit before shaking my head.

 

”What’s up?” asked Lance when I left my house, he sat on the front porch, hands in his pockets, frown turned to me.

 

”Nothing”, I said and shook my head. ”Shiro just warned me about staying up too late.”

 

Lance grinned at that. ”How late is _too late_?” he asked, waggling his eyebrows. I punched him. ”Okay, fine!” He pointed an accusing finger at my chest. ”No s’mores for _you_ , madame.”

 

I rolled my eyes, walking past him. ”We both know Hunk won’t stand for that.”

 

”You’re right”, he said before walking up to me. ”You sure you wanna drive?”

 

”I’m _not_ going in you car, the answer’s no. Besides, my bike.”

 

”Your bike”, he agreed as if no more explanation was needed and, truthfully? It wasn’t. If there was one place I felt like I was completely free, than it was on my bike. And having Lance sitting behind me, his arms around me as I drive? Even better.

 

And Lance knew that I felt that way and he had hopped on behind me the first time I offered to drive him to school. He hadn’t known at the time that I had meant a motorcycle, but he had trusted me enough to get on it. Doesn’t mean he didn’t make a fuss about it for half an hour before giving in, though. He wouldn’t be Lance if he didn’t. And it’s a part of his charm. Which I am never going to tell him because his ego doesn’t need to grow larger. Besides, I love teasing him about it.

 

* * *

 

Hunk and Pidge were already there when we showed up and the campfire was lighted. ”About time”, Pidge said when they noticed us.

 

”Missed us that much, eh, Pidgeon?” Lance asked as we walked towards them , hand-in-hand.

 

Pidge rolled their eyes. ”Not anymore.”

 

Lance placed a hand dramatically over his heart, stumbling slightly for show. ”I’m _wounded_ ,” he said. ”Pidge? How could you?”

 

They turned to look at me. ”How do you put up with him?”

 

I looked Lance up and down, a little too long than necassary, before turning back to Pidge with a shrug. ”It’s a mystery”, I said.

 

” _Hey_!” Lance stared at me with a small smile. ”I hate you”, he said.

 

”Well”, I began. ”I hate you, too.”

 

”Naw!” said Hunk.

 

”Get a room”, said Pidge.

 

Lance and I grinned at each other before sitting down by the other side of the fire.

 

I sighed internally. As long as I don’t overthink anything, this is going to go great. All I have to do is be myself. At least to some degree.

 

”Are you okay?” Lance whispered, squeezing my hand.

 

”I’m fine”, I replied, a little too quickly, smiling, and when my gaze met his did I know that he knew that I lied. He didn’t comment though, instead he squeezed my hand tighter before chatting away with Hunk and Pidge with a grin and wild gestures.

 

In that moment I had thought–or maybe _hoped_ –that the subject was dropped.

 

Little did I know then that all it took was the drive back to my house, an awkward silence in which Lance expected me to invite him in but instead we just stood there and he had to ask me if I wanted him to come in with me, and, lastly, us alone in my bedroom, having our usual make-out session which made me think I now know what it feels like to make-out with someone if you’re a corpse.

 

Needless to say, it was _awful_.

 

I don’t blame him, either. It was like routine for us, it wasn’t his fault my head just wasn’t present. My head was up in the clouds, full of thoughts and feelings I wanted to push for another day. I just wanted to be there with him, he deserved that much. He deserved to be kissed _back_.

 

My problem was that looking at him and seeing the love and adoration in his eyes as he stares at me and when he mutters ”you’re beautiful” or something in between kisses, it just…

 

He’s looking at Kat, the girl. His _girlfriend_. And he loves her, but I’m not Kat. I’m not even a girl. And I feel like I’m lying to him and I love him. I don’t want to hurt him. I don’t want to break his heart, he’s had enough of that in the past. I want to make him happy, and _Kat_ makes him happy.

 

Maybe I can pretend just a little longer? Give him what he wants and needs.

 

Just as I started pressing back against him, my hands moving up against his back, did he pull away with a sigh. ”Like I can see you, I can feel you but you’re not like _here_ , y’know”, Lance started, pulling back further, looking at me with a frown. ”So what is it?”

 

I stared back at him, eyebrows raising. ”I’m fine”, I said and tried to smile but I knew it must’ve come across as unsure or something judging by his response.

 

Lance _groaned_. ”What is it, Kat?” he asked.

 

I was silent, staring at him.

 

This was my chance, and I knew it. I could tell him, the words could slip out of my tongue if I only let them. One second from now and he could know the truth. I could tell him.

 

Instead, I was silent. Staring at him, watching how every second of silence he grew more and more apprehensive.

 

Lance sighed, scratching the back of his neck, his eyes closed and I could barely hear the words slipping out of his mouth. ”If it’s something I did. Just say tell me.”

 

In that moment I hated myself more than I thought possible. In that moment I wanted to punch myself. To _scream_ at myself for how I’ve been acting. For what I’ve been doing, telling myself it’s for his best. But instead, I said nothing, and then I did nothing. I was acting strange without me knowing that I did.

 

”You’ve been acting hella weird lately and I’ve tried giving you space and all, but you just…” He groaned. ”What is it you want from me?” It sounded like something between a sigh, a groan and a whisper. He said it once more, this time time loud and clear, almost like a hiss while staring straight at me. As if his patience was wearing thin. ”What do you _want_ from me, Kat?”

 

”I want to be your _boyfriend_!” I snapped at him. It didn’t take longer than a blink of an eye until I knew what I had said. I knew it as I watched Lance’s eyes widen as he stiffened, staring at me, mouth hanging open against his chest.

 

”You… _You_ , you… you _what_!?” he spluttered, hands moving around in wild gestures and I steeled myself so I wouldn’t look away, I owed him at least that much.

 

”Lance”, I pleaded softly, asking him to calm down with the tone of my voice only. ”I think I’m a boy.”

 

”You _think_?” he repeated.

 

”I’m… pretty sure”, I responded. My patience starting to wear thin but I knew that had the roles been reversed Lance would’ve needed a miracle to help me keep my cool.

 

”You’re…?” Lance sighed, pushing his hands through his hair and grabbing at it so strands poked out from between his fingers. ”I can’t believe this”, he whispered, turning his gaze from me to his feet. ”I should”, he started before visibly relaxing, or trying to. Lance gestured to the door and said, ”I should go.”

 

” _Lance_!” I said and I saw how his whole body faltered before tensing, how he held up a hand to me.

 

”Don’t”, he begged before he was out the door and at that moment I wasn’t sure if I’d ever see him again.

 

But it was Lance. It was dramatic Lance who found out his girlfriend wants to be his boyfriend in the middle of an argument.

 

I had always been prepared that he would throw a fit, always knew how he’d react, but it didn’t make it easier when the moment arrived. Maybe that was why I tried pushing it off as far as I could into the future? So that a future me could deal with it, a version of me that was stronger. A version of me that could actually _deal_ with this.

 

A version of me that did not exist.

 

I sighed into the emptiness of my room before falling back against my pillows, begging my brain to take me to sleep and present to me dreams that are better than reality.

 

* * *

 

”I just prepared the bathroom for you.” Shiro stood in the doorway, his expression sympathetic and I hated it. ”Are you okay?”

 

”Yes”, I said.

 

”I know you’re lying.”

 

”Then why did you ask, Shiro?” I met his eyes, watching his lips turn into a thin line and his eyes go even more sympathetic. ”You _know_ I’m not okay.”

 

”He’ll come around”, said Shiro. He had said that phrase so many times during these last few days since Lance had stormed out of our house. Somehow, Shiro’s words didn’t sound as sure anymore. ”He always will.”

 

”It’s been four days”, I said, looking down at my hands, lying on my lap like dead weight.

 

”He needs time”, he said and I nodded slightly. ”He’s probably confused and a little hurt.”

 

”Hurt?”

 

”Yeah, that you hadn’t told him sooner”, Shiro explained. ”He loves you, everyone who sees the two of you together knows that. And he knows you love him, too, and that’s probably why it’s so hard for him.”

 

I sighed. ”Why do you always have to be so sensible?”

 

Shiro smiled at me. ”One of us has to be.” I chuckled, shaking my head. My chest still felt heavy but empty.

 

”Thanks”, I muttered, looking at him with a small, half forced smile. He smiled back at me, opened his mouth as if to say something when suddenly a bell was heard.

 

Shiro and I stared at each other before Shiro went to the door and opened it. ”Hello, Lance”, was all I heard before my heart-beat echoed in my ears as I stared towards the spot Shiro had stood some seconds before.

 

”Hey”, he answered, a little uncertainly.

 

”What can I do for you?” I would’ve rolled my eyes at Shiro’s antics if I wasn’t petrified.

 

”I need to talk to Kat”, Lance said.

 

That was the last thing I heard before footsteps grew louder and louder, coming to my door.

 

Shiro appeared first. ”Lance is here”, he said, gesturing towards Lance. ”If you need anything, I’ll be in my room.” He looked between me and Lance before walking away, giving us space.

 

I forced myself to look at Lance as he stepped towards where I sat on the bed. ”I got you something”, he said and handed me a wrapped package. I eyed it curiously before looking back at Lance. He was staring at his feet, seemingly nervous.

 

Nodding, I took the present from him and started unwrapping it, my hands were shaking in anticipation and nerves and probably something akin to confusion. ”Uhm”, I said as I held the gift in my hands, fabric soft. I turned to smile at Lance. I hadn’t felt this nervous around him since I didn’t know when.

 

”I didn’t know what else to give you”, he said, scratching the back of his neck. ”I wanted to give you something that’d say ’Hey, I’m sorry about how I reacted and so you’re a dude, it’s no big deal’” He grinned sheepishly. ”Boxers were the only thing I knew would be like associated with guys because penises and everything.” He was silent for a moment, body stiff before he let his arms fall down his sides. ”Do you… uhm… want one?”

 

I raised an eyebrow at him, amused. ”A what?”

 

”A penis.” His eyes were closed and his face was red.

 

I grinned. ”What was that?” I asked. ”I can’t hear you.”

 

Lance glared at me but it lacked its bite, it was almost endearing. ”Do you want a penis?” he asked, this time he looked and sounded calm, his eyes were soft as he looked at me.

 

”Yeah”, I said. ”I think so. I still have to see a genderpsychologist about it before anything can be set in stone.”

 

Lance nodded. ”I actually have something else for you, too”, he announced, sitting down on my bed, next to me. He picked up his phone and held it in front of me. ”Say something”, he said.

 

I narrowed my eyes at him before saying, ”Hello?” Lance started laughing, shaking his head while I just stared at him. ”What?” I asked. ”You told me to say something!”

 

He turned to look at me, grinning, shaking his head before turning back to his phone. He pressed a finger to the screen and suddenly its speakers parroted me in a deeper voice. I stared at it before turning to stare at Lance.

 

”I figured you’d want to know what you’d sound like”, he said sheepishly. ”And I guess I’m curious, too.”

 

”So…”, I started. ”What do you think?”

 

Lance smiled at me. ”A little to get used to, if I’m honest, but you still sound hot.”

 

I smiled at him. ”You know I love you and… thanks. For understanding.” He grabbed my hand and squeezed it before leaning down to kiss me.

 

”Can you say that again?” Lance asked some seconds later. ”That you love me. I want to know what it would sound like.” I stared at him and his eyes widened. ”If it’s okay!” He seemed flustered and I smiled at that.

 

I leaned forward to peck his cheek, feeling the warmth of him under my lips and I smiled against it. Lance was still solid next to me and he had come around in a way I probably should have expected but was still a little surprised by.

 

”Of course”, I said, straightening my back again. When Lance signalled for me to start I said, ”I love you, Lance.”

 

Lance grinned at me before pressing play on his phone as a deeper version of my voice repeated my words. ”You know what”, Lance started, looking at me with a smirk and eyes full of stars. ”I’ll definitely get used to this.”

 

I laughed before pulling him against me for a kiss. ”Thank you”, I said, sliding my hands up his sides until they were tickled by the short strands by his neck. ”And Lance..?” I said after we pulled apart. Lance raised both his eyebrows in silent question. I moved my hands from his neck, stood up and left my room, gesturing for him to follow me into the bathroom. A chair stood waiting in the middle of the room, a pair of scissors and a hairbrush lied atop it. I picked them up and handed them to Lance. ”Cut my hair?”

 

Lance stared at me before grinning, leaning forward to kiss me muttering an ”of course” against my lips as he took the tools from me. I grinned back at that before turning around and sitting down on the chair.

 

I’m not sure how long I sat there but I couldn’t help but smile at the simplicity of it all. The comfortable silence and feel in the room, surrounding us. For the first in a long time did we exist on the same plane, in the same reality.

 

When Lance was finished, he tapped me on my shoulder and I rose from the chair to check my reflection in the mirror. I stared at myself, turning my head side to side to get a better look at Lance’s handiwork. Long strands framed my face in a way that felt foreign but new and refreshing.

 

I dragged a hand through my hair, noticing with something akin to horror before I turned around to look at Lance. ”A _mullet_?” I hissed at him, pointing at my new hairstyle.

 

Lance’s ears and cheeks went pink before he took a step forward to pat my head awkwardly, smug grin plastered on his face. ”You knew I’ve never cut hair before.” I rolled my eyes at him and suddenly he looked worried, scratching the back of his neck. ”Do you… uhm, want me to fix it?”

 

I turned around again to face the mirror, taking in the hairstyle and my face, the foreignness of my appearance.

 

Grinning, I met Lance’s eyes from the reflection of the mirror. ”No”, I replied before turning to look at myself ”It suits him.”

 

I loved how it sounded.

 

”Yeah”, Lance agreed with a smile. ”It really does.


End file.
